Dwain Walden
May 07, 2008 10:48 pm
—
I hadn’t heard this spiel in a while, but today on the radio, right after Willie Nelson had finished “Poncho and Lefty,” a fellow was selling stars. Given the issues with real estate right now, I thought to myself that here’s a guy who is really stretching the concepts of marketing.
Actually, he wasn’t selling stars in the purest sense. What I mean is, you can’t legally sell something that you don’t own, and you can’t really have something you can’t reach. You see, stars are actually suns (like our sun) and they are millions of light years away. We can’t even think in terms of light years. Probably the nearest relevance we can make to light years has to do with when we might pay off our national debt or when the Atlanta Falcons will get back to the Super Bowl.
So when you say someone owns a star, that’s just poetry. If you can’t park a bass boat on it or plant butterbeans on it, you’re speaking metaphorically.
Actually what this guy was doing has to do with Mother’s Day. He works for a company that owns a book, probably a big loose leaf binder. On the outside is written “Star Registry.” And if you will send him a sack of money, he will name a star for your mother and write that down in his book. Most likely she will be sent a certificate that declares that this particular star is named in her honor.
Or, you can take mama out in the back yard (you’ll have to do this in the country because in the city you can’t hardly see the stars) and point to one of those little twinkles and say, “Mama, that’s Lula Belle. It’s named especially for you.” Prior to that, you go to the store and buy a loose leaf binder and write “Star Registry” on the front. Then you write her name in it and draw a star out beside it. It doesn’t matter if it’s five pointed or four pointed. Stars aren’t really shaped like that anyway except on Christmas trees, bulletin boards and refrigerator doors.
Also, go to your computer and print out a certificate that proclaims the star to be “Lula Belle.” Present her with this certificate as you point into the heavens. Then give her a big hug and a kiss.
Take the money you were going to send to the yahoo on the radio and buy mama a big bouquet of roses or a fist full of lottery tickets. Or buy her a set of the greatest hits of Tom Jones.
Now the radio marketer might suggest that your deal won’t be official. This is where you say something in French or Latin. “Au contraire!” And you tell him that you proclaimed yourself the Commandant of Heavenly Proclamations and you have a certificate to prove it — one that you printed out when you printed mama’s star certificate.
No doubt there will be people who will send this guy money. Probably these are some of the same people who couldn’t understand why they couldn’t afford a $400,000 house when the husband and wife’s combined annual salary was $70,000. Heck, in that scenario, the star selling makes about as much sense.
I think mama would be much more impressed if you spent an evening sitting out on the front porch with her, looking at the heavens and telling her that you would buy her all those stars, but they are so insignificant in her presence — that they pale in the light that she has shone upon your life.
(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)
Copyright © 1999-2008 cnhi, inc.