Cold coffee by any other name

Dwain Walden

May 16, 2007 10:08 pm

— A promo came to me today asking me if I was looking for a way to keep cool and stay healthy this summer? My first thought of this advice was to hang out at the wash hole and don’t walk alone in downtown Atlanta at night. Takes care of cool and safety.
Oh, but how facetious on my part. The wash hole now probably has more mercury in it than a thermometer plant, and I know better than to walk alone in downtown Atlanta at night because I used to live there and do that. Obviously, I survived. I was thinner and could run faster in those days.
But just about as silly was the concept some marketing firm sent me, which is to brew up some “fortified iced coffee” to bring to work with me.
I don’t drink cold coffee. I know saying “iced coffee” is supposed to give it mystique, but it’s still cold coffee. Temperature is temperature. It’s much like a $600 handmade fly rod. It’s still a fishing pole, and if you slam the truck door on it, it will break. I’ve practiced this on a couple of cheap rods.
Mostly I drink what would be called cowboy coffee. You can either drink it or clean your trailer hitch with it. It’s not latte, and it’s not mocha or any of that other stuff covered in foam. If I want a milk shake, I’ll order a milkshake. When I drink coffee, I want it hot and black. If it’s strong enough to meet me half way, I call it time management. Some people say it will grow hair on your chest. If only it would grow it on your head. Why is that?
Now here is what they say about this particular coffee. It contains herbal supplements like Echinacea and Gingko Biloba. Sounds like essence of snake skin found under a log.
It is “fortified with Chondrotin Sulfate” to improve overall joint health. Now I’ve been in some joints in my time where just by slipping out the back door I improved my health. In fact, I was in Al’s Corral in Atlanta along with some friends one night when it caught fire and burned down.
There was smoke everywhere, and people were hollering and carrying on. But it was like that when we went in so it was kind of hard to tell that there was a state of emergency until we actually saw some flames. I think the sawdust on the floor aggravated the situation. The next morning we went back to see if it had actually burned or if it had just been our imagination. There wasn’t even a pole ... I mean post ... left standing.
Also the cold coffee is “fortified with Rosehips.” Rosehips has nothing to do with Rosie O’Donell mimicking Donald Trump, although I like to watch her do it. Rosehips is a bush that produces berries from which tea can be made. I don’t know that I have ever seen any but they could have been all around me the whole time. Also, I’ve never gathered truffles nor have I seen a crow’s nest to know what it was. So many simple things in life just go past us. Native Americans used Rosehips in brewing their teas. This was mostly before their tribes were wiped out.
I’m told that the Gingko Biloba helps increase alertness and short-term memory. There are times when I walk out of my office and go into another office and can’t remember what it was I was going to do. But I think that is a condition referred to in Apache as “workuhtoolately.” I don’t think cold coffee will help me remember anything except that I forgot to turn the pot back on.
The promo also suggests that for a variation of flavor, one can add green tea and milk. I can short cut all of this by sticking my finger down my throat. Just bypass the middleman. Why not throw in some puree of bologna or shredded buffalo grass. After what I’ve heard so far, I don’t think it can be further damaged.
There’s an orange juice that Florida State’s Bobby Bowden hawks. He says, “It’s 100 percent unfooled around with.”
That’s how I like to think of my coffee and my Congress. But my coffee is about all I can count on regularly in this venue. That may be a problem with our Congress — they are not regular enough.