Moultrie Observer


May 31, 2014

An idea for yet another reality show

MOULTRIE — Perhaps there should be a reality show about people who fall for scams. Or maybe there already is one, and I just haven’t hit upon that channel. It could be right after the “Turtle Man” catches those killer squirrels that came into the cabin because there’s a hole in the wall the size of a basketball. But then it wouldn’t be a very exciting show if someone just covered the hole.

So today I got a notice via email that my “IRS Tax Relief is available.” It says also that there is good news in that the deadline has been extended for me.  It lists a “Settlement Package.”  The best I can tell is that the settlement is about $8,000.

Now right off I can tell this is hokum. The first clue is that I pay my taxes on time every year. My taxes come out of each paycheck calculated by a computer. And my returns are fairly simple. I tell the IRS this is how much I’ve already paid, and then I ask them how much more they need. It just so happens I got a small refund this year. So I sang a chorus of “I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy.” I’m sure Congress will spend my money wisely. Hee hee!

The second clue is that I never  filed for a settlement.

And the third clue is that it came from someone named Adam P. No last name. No credentials. Just Adam P.

That’s kind of like those testimonials on television where Bill in Arkansas tells us why he’s giddy about a new drain cleaner that was just put on the market. The testimonial doesn’t give us a last name nor even a city. Just Bill in Arkansas. And this drain cleaner is so good it would separate a politician from a campaign contribution.

That one-name thing and a lack of specifics are used routinely in myriad application. I get calls from stock brokers in Chicago and New York who employ such bogus familiarity.

“Hello Dwain, this is Frank with Ajax Investments, and I have an exciting opportunity for you in petroleum.”

And I say, “Sorry Frank, I bought two quarts of oil just last week.”

What Frank doesn’t understand is that excitement for me is finding a bream bed or a water hose that won’t kink.

Well I didn’t go very deep into this settlement nonsense because I’m pretty sure there’s that point in this package where I’m supposed to give them my bank account number.

Then here we go again! I get an email from Donny. Not even a last initial. And Donny tells me that a published report under my name could be damaging.

It says, “Harmful and damaging events from your past may have surfaced May 23.” The idea is that I can pay his company to intercept this damaging stuff and pour it down some cosmic drain pipe.

But yep, they caught me. As comedian Ron White would say, “They caught the Tater!”

You see some of my compatriots and I climbed the water tower in Whigham one night and painted “Class of 1966” in John Deere green on the tank. I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s all about.

I sent Donny a note that I long ago confessed to this shenanigan, right after the statute of limitations ran out.

And besides, I’m not running for office.

Oh yes, I also swiped one of my dad’s cigars, and I did inhale. By late afternoon I would have voted to make the legal smoking age 41.

Then I get an email from Larry who tells me several people are trying to locate me via the internet and for a price, he will tell me who they are.

So I told Larry that he had it backwards, that he should charge those people because I already know where I am ... at least most days.


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