Dwain Walden.jpg

Dwain Walden.

We live in a fast-paced society. We are all incredibly busy. And have you ever noticed that when you plan out your calendar, you never have a time blocked out to “stop and think?”

What I’m talking about is a dedicated time to just stop and ponder what’s going on around you, what’s happened and what might happen.

So the other day I left the office and visited with my friend, The Earl of Stumpworth by the Ochlocknee. We just sat on the creek bank and wondered about stuff. You might say we purged our cerebral software.

Much of what we thought about comes from years of living and observing and calling on the wisdom of others before us.

The Earl made the first proclamation: “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”

Of course The Earl wasn’t talking about everyone. Some people never grow up nor learn how to act in public. The other day I saw a couple coming down the street. The man was walking about 10 paces ahead of the woman mumbling, a sure sign they were in a fight about something. And she had a smirk on her face, also was mumbling, and she was counting the ways she hated him one finger at a time.

So with reference to some recent phone calls and emails, I then offered: “Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.”

I had just had a debate with a fellow who said it had never been proved that cigarette smoking would kill you.

Specifically he said, “Just show me one person who ever died from smoking cigarettes.”

I responded, “They would put me in jail if I dug up dead people.”

You see this guy had an uncle who smoked from the time he was 14 until he died at age 88. He said his uncle died of a heat attack, not lung cancer.

All I could say was, “Whatever!”

Both the Earl and I agreed that some people are prone to always make literal interpretations as opposed to interpreting something figuratively on occasion.  

So The Earl said, “When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”

It’s been said that our society has been dumbed down. In other words, there seems to be more people who would opt to contemplate the lint in their navel as opposed to conjugating a verb.

We both agreed that you can sometimes have a little fun with the navel contemplators. For example, a woman called me one day all upset because her name appeared in the crime report of our newspaper. She told me she was going to sue us. I told her she couldn’t sue us. She asked. “Why not?”  

I responded, “Because it’s not in our budget.”

There was silence. And then she said, “Oh.”

Likewise, a fellow once got so heated in an argument with me he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face!”

So I told him that wouldn’t be a good idea because he wouldn’t be able to get into the corners. It took him a minute for that to register.

Some other observations we shared that day:

— We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

— I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a harmless oak snake just dropped from the rafters of the outhouse.

— Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

— You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

— I’m going to live forever. So far, so good.

(Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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