Dwain Walden

Remember that Clint Eastwood movie, “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”?

Well, ever since that movie “the good, the bad and ugly” has been used routinely in drawing political analogies, describing sporting events and reporting on male beauty contests.

So I applied it to today’s news wire.

I’ll start with the ugly and end with the good because quite often it’s the last thing we read that we remember. And if I ended with the first two examples, you may never look at a sausage and biscuit the same way again.

First the ugly.

In Valentine, Neb., there’s a vandal who runs around town pressing his naked butt against windows, including church windows. He leaves an imprint because he has mopped himself down with vaseline.

He is known as the “Butt Bandit.” Some folks in this town of 2,600 people think it’s kind of funny. The police think it’s weird. Others think it’s gross.

“We’ve been struck,” is a familiar comment in this town.

It all began in 2007 when the Methodist Church windows got smeared. The church was hit several times, even though police staked it out. Then the butt guy hit hotels and stores.

Police say some of the incidents may be “copycats.”

The only evidence so far is a blurry photo from a surveillance camera at a middle school. The perpetrator was described as tall and dark with dark hair.

Oh my gosh! It just hit me. It might be Bigfoot. Bigfoot is always described as tall and dark and the photos of him are always blurry.

Because of it’s name, Valentine promotes itself as “The Heart City.” I suppose someone wants the other end to have equal representation.

Then comes the bad.

In Sanger, Calif., a man broke into the home of two farmworkers. He rubbed spices into the face of one man and smacked the other one around with an 8-inch sausage. I’m hoping it indeed was a sausage he smacked him with. It might have been a roll of salami.

A suspect was found hiding in a field wearing a T-shirt, boxers and socks. But the suspect has been set free. Prosecutors say they do not have enough evidence to prosecute. Maybe the guy ate the sausage after he tenderized it. I’ve just never thought of spices and sausages as being weapons. I have seen a few pancakes that could have been used as frisbees, but I don’t think they would have hurt anyone.

Now for the good.

In New York, a fluffy little dog named Lexi is being called a hero for helping to rescue an 85-year-old neighbor who had collapsed in his apartment.

Lexi refused to go on her daily walk and instead led her master down the hall to the victim where a cry for help was heard.

And in New Beford, Mass., a fireman gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a cat that was rescued from a burning apartment.

Notice that the really good stuff involved dogs and cats. God gave us dogs because they are so forgiving. He gave us cats because they find humans to be useful domestic animals. Mark Twain once said that if you crossed man with a cat, it would improve the man but would deteriorate the cat. Of course you can’t cross a feline with a human. It’s hard enough to give one a bath.

And so it came to pass: “The good, the bad and the ugly.”

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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