Actor Tommy Lee Jones must have needed some beer and fish bait money when he signed on for “No Country For Old Men.” This was a highly touted movie and typically, Tommy Lee Jones don’t make no junk. So I watched it.

My first clue that it was lacking in quality was that Tommy Lee Jones was the only name I had ever heard of in this film, aside from “Woody” from the old “Cheers” TV show. Shortly after being introduced, Woody got shot with a shotgun which had a silencer on it. Never seen such a gun before. It looked like a portable Howitzer with a trash can on one end.

The script could have been written on a post-it note: Drug bust goes bad. Everyone is gunned down. Hunter happens upon the loot. Hunter takes the loot. Crazy man with a Buster Brown hairdo chases him down and kills a lot of people along the way. Tommy Lee Jones can’t protect the hunter. End of story.

Along with the shotgun, Buster Brown’s weapon of choice was a compressed air bottle with a trigger valve that would drive a plunger through one’s brain. I don’t suppose one needs a license to carry an air tank.

Tommy Lee Jones is a west Texas sheriff trying to find the hunter before Buster Brown kills him. He’s out of breath most of the movie because he’s probably been at the job too long. Thus, I assume the title, “No Country For Old Men.” The best I can tell, the hunter was killed by a band of Mexicans who popped up out of nowhere. They may have been on another movie set and just got confused.

They must have run out of film before the script ran its course. All the bad guys got away. We don’t really know who got the money. We assume the hunter’s wife also was killed. She refused to flip a coin to determine her fate. This was a sick novelty administered by Buster Brown. The movie just stopped at one point and the credits rolled.

In the last scene, Tommy Lee Jones is looking really tired. I’m not sure if that was intended by the script or if he was just tired of the movie at that point. Either is plausible.

At the end, Jones drinks a cup of three-day-old coffee that was heated up. I’ve done that a few times. If it’s hot enough, nothing can live in it. Unlike Buster Brown, it won’t hurt you unless you try to drive a car with it between your legs.

Tommy Lee Jones had a couple of good lines, though. His deputy, looking at a bunch of dead bodies (drug dealers) said, “This is a real mess isn’t it?” And Jones says, “ If not, it will do until the real one gets here.” Because I work a lot with computers, I’ll probably use that line myself some day.

Of course it could be that the movie was just too deep for me to grasp. You know the Coen brothers produced this thing, and many people just automatically attribute great films to the Coen brothers. In this one, however, I’m thinking the Coens said to themselves, “Let’s throw some crap together, call it art and laugh all the way to the bank.” And get an Oscar.

I did draw some conclusions from this movie. One is, there’s a lot of room to shoot marbles in west Texas. Another is, if you ever see a man with a shotgun that’s wearing a silencer, don’t bet that he’s going to an illegal dove shoot. Run like hell and scream, “We’re all gonna die!”

So then I watched “On Golden Pond” for about the fourth time. And then I watched “Tombstone” for the fifth time.

“Tell them I’m coming and hell’s coming with me.” Talk about some deep meaning!

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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