I was the only one at the breakfast club that morning who was wearing a tie. And after being informed and slightly chastised by the group that our meetings were informal, the discussion led to neckties with a consensus that they are non-functional except to keep gravy off your shirt.

I had never been in a real deep discussion about neckties before but it seemed a viable subject, given the option was why we diagrammed sentences.

I did point out that while I thought a necktie was mostly ornamental, one could be used as a tourniquet. So if you got bitten by a rattlesnake on the way to church, there was a certain degree of functionality.

On the other hand, a clip-on bow tie couldn’t even be used for a tourniquet. Nor would a bow tie stop much gravy from getting on your shirt.

I’ve noticed that some men have trouble getting the necktie tied to the right length. Often they are too short. The rule of thumb is that the tip of the tie should go just below the belt buckle. But that all depends on where the belt buckle is.

For instance the other day on television’s “Dr. Oz,” a rather obese fellow was asked what his waist size was. He said 38. Dr. Oz grinned and told him that his waist was not down there where his pants were fastened. As it turned out, his waist was a 48.

Wearing a tie is probably due to that syndrome whereby we do things because other people before us did the same things without being questioned.

Now I guess it’s not really a syndrome, but I pointed out that we were all eating eggs, grits, toast, waffles etc. for breakfast because a long time ago someone got up one morning and decided that was the definition of breakfast.

So what if we got up one morning and decided to have spaghetti, lasagna or country fried steak. And I told them the story of the time when I had butterbeans, cornbread and fried chicken for breakfast. Of course we had just unloaded a barn of tobacco and the man’s wife who was to prepare breakfast for us had an emergency to attend to and thus we had to improvise with leftovers from the previous night’s supper. It worked out pretty darn well.

I haven’t had a breakfast like that since that morning, but I also haven’t unloaded a barn of tobacco in many, many years.

Back to neckties. I do believe there’s a factory somewhere that specializes in making ugly neckties. Almost every men’s department will have a rack of ugly ties that have been separated from the pretty ones. You would think that someone would make notes and report back to the factory that these things are ugly, so don’t do it anymore. It’s like they had lots of dye leftover from the Easter egg coloring contest and rather than disposing of it as hazardous waste, they painted neckties. And in keeping with the Easter custom, they should have hidden those ties along with the eggs.

So in the mode of treating a syndrome, today I didn’t wear a tie to the breakfast club, and sometime today I vow to end a sentence with a preposition. Wow! I don’t know where that one came from.

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)

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